The Generic News Archives

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Lead Stories:

Ted Page, one of the founders of Captains of Industry a marketing and filmmaking agency with expertise in renewable energy, pledges to “eat his shorts” on camera and post the video on YouTube. (A Day in March 2009)

The National Weather Service warns of more snow this winter. (Some day or the other in January, 2009)

In the US, the incumbant party says, "It's time for change." (Some day in July, 2008)

Methane from diapers may be a possible fuel source. Construction of a new landfill is being considered. (July 2008)

A sad situation ended tragically. "Our hearts are with you" kindly people around the world stated; then they went to the movies. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

American Democratic presidential candidates continue to win delegates. The Republican candidate does not. (A Day in June, 2008)

A famous intellectual affirms there is no intelligent life in our corner of the Universe. Thousands of university professors admit to being depressed. (Another Day in May, 2008)

As American presidential elections get closer, poll results continue to change. (A Day in May, 2008)

Political News:

Chip Kahn who worked for the insurance industry is now president of the Federation of Hospitals. Geribals point out that conflict of interest can be a money saving devise. (A Day in March 2009)

Mother-in-law to move into White House for "trial visit." She promises to help change light bulbs. (Some day or the other in January, 2009)

Candidates face potential hazards during debates. (Some day in July, 2008)

In the US presidential campaign, one candidate is ahead of the other candidate in the polls. (July 2008)

A US presidential candidate promises change. Both candidates 

find requests for improvement too controversial.

In the US, a highly placed Democrat endorsed the Democratic candidate for the presidency. The Republican candidate did not receive any Republican endorsements. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

The US president made a very presidential speech. He said exactly what was expected. Famous commentators reported: "There are no surprises here." (A Day in June, 2008)

In the American presidential race a candidate declared the race was not over. (Another Day in May, 2008)

A major News Source reported who the US presidential candidate was who recieved the most press. (A Day in May 2008)

While one candidate attracted the most coverage of any presidential hopeful last week, another's biographical tour helped him climb back into the headlines. But it was the third one who generated the clearest story line in the media last week. --Journalism.org  (A Day in May 2008)

Weather:

Texas had a weather event. So did Oklahoma but of a different type.(A Day in May 2008)

         Book Reviews:

Cynthia Joyce Clay's environmental sf novel Zollocco, first published in 2000, accurately predicted many elements of today ecological crisis but in an entertaining way. The book continues to be timely and prophetic. Readers and critics love the book; nevertheless, word has not spread to book lovers or tree huggers. Zollocco is available as an e-book, and purchases of it support The Generic News and the general state of literacy.

Arts and Entertainment:  

Owner of art gallery found out age of toddler only after accepting her art works. "The colorful backdrop, that was probably put there by a parent," he said. (A Day in March 2009)

Reading rates of literature and fiction have increased among American adults though the reading is done under duress. (Some day or the other in January, 2009)

Artist of post-it note Mona Lisa plans to work in jelly beans next. Children's Museums applaud while dentist accociations protest. (Some day in July, 2008)

Mozart music was "entirely forgotten" by a library. (Some day in July, 2008)

Around the world, people watched with fascination as young people popped pop corn. "It's just a show, a hoax, " claimed some viewers. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

Young male film makers needed girlfriends and got them. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

No nudes is bad news for art students. (A Day in June, 2008)

Artists try to “heal the world” by recycling their own urine. This causes controversy. (A Day in June, 2008)

There were shark attacks at the beach. Swimmers had fun. (Another Day in May, 2008)

A famous female music star did something she should not. In Hollywood, so did another famous star, but she said "It felt so right."(A Day in May, 2008)

Lifestyles:

Tour bus companies cash in on AIG corruption with "Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous" tours. Tomato vendors report sales growth.( A Day in March 2009)

Advertisers report No. 1 flat stomach rule: obey. (Some day in July, 2008)

In Chicago, words of wisdom on a message sign inspire passersby. (Some day in July, 2008)

Bishop to say prayer at event. People are concerned. (Some day in July, 2008)

Emmy nominees pause to party before big night. (Some day in July, 2008)

In Holland, a kitty nurses newborn red pandas as her own babies. In another country a doggy nurses a tiger cub as her infant. Mothers around the world may be perplexed by their new, strange infants, but still accept them. (July 2008)

In Eastern Europe, a sixmonth old won a baby race. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

Science News:

Tiny, chirping frog found, but so are 50 new species of jumping spiders. Arachnophobists are horrified. (A Day in March 2009)

Scientists determine that head-banging is harmful to health. (Some day or the other in January, 2009)

World's largest atom smashing machine breaks down; scientiests are not surprised. (Some day in July, 2008)

Anorexic scientists create studies with hungry mice to prove happiness is greater when hungry. The properly nourished disagree. (July 2008)

Researchers confirm that saying "No" is negative. (A Random Day in June, 2008)

Weather experts confirm that long range hurricane predictions succeed in getting the public to think about the weather. (A Day in June, 2008)

A woman admits that her brain works in such a way that she remembers her life.  Other people admit their brains also allow them to remember their lives.  Scientists are amazed. (Another Day in May, 2008)

At two leading US universities, scientists made scientific investigations while scientists and social scientists at two other highly respected US universities did lab studies. All four universities got grants.(A Day in May 2008)

The Generic News Statement:

The well-known Media Corporations spend millions of dollars and hire thousands of people to edit timely and important news stories until they say nothing that matters or even make much sense. The well-known Media Corporations also substitute, whenever posssible, inane and vacuous news reports for news reports of substance. We at The Generic News realize that it does not take millions of dollars and thousands of people to say nothing; we know it can be done by two people as a hobby. Indeed, our news reports are so well sanitized that they can be counted on to be true at any given time. Further, we aim to a higher ideal of journalistic excellence than do the the well-known Media Corporations--The Generic News reports on the news grammatically. The Generic News does not confuse the adjective good with adverb well, and the past tense of the word sneak is always in its correct form of sneaked. The Generic News is the only source of banal news that is grammatical. We say nothing, and we say it gramatically!

The Generica News may on occasion report on a topic of importance, substance, or quality; these sorts of lapses happen even to the well-known Media Corporations. However, we are sure that few will recognize the wheat from the chaf or the fluff from the bunny. In any event, we take no responsibility for these abberations.